Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today.
— Nikki Savoy ✨is ON SUBMISSION✨ (@IAmNikkiSavoy) June 19, 2024
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 20, 2024
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Last night a scooter driving by did a little *beep beep* that sounded just like the one the taqueria delivery guy does when he pulls up in front of our house. I woke up and said “was that nacho beep beep?” and my wife said, so so sweetly, “Oh no, baby, he’s not here for you.”
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) June 19, 2024
My husband just got home after being gone all day
— Aly Eras Tour 7/14 (@aly_saby) June 23, 2024
Him: How was yo—
Me: TRAVIS KELCE WENT ON STAGE WITH TAYLOR SWIFT
Looks like my husband has been hitting the sauce again
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 24, 2024
(left the sriracha out after a midnight snack)
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 23, 2024
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 19, 2024
My husband HATES mayonnaise. So whenever I don’t want to share what I’m eating, I tell him there’s mayonnaise in it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t, but who knows 🤷♀️
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) June 20, 2024
Yesterday my husband sat in the kitchen working on his laptop as I made a pasta salad. Then he rode in the car to my parents' house with me and the pasta salad. Then he walked into the house with me and the pasta salad. When it came time to eat, he asked who made the pasta salad.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 18, 2024
There are two types of people: those that can relax or start a new project 30 minutes before having to leave somewhere, and those that pace around anxiously watching the clock until it’s time to go. And they marry each other.
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) June 19, 2024
Husband: I need to check the smoke detectors. Can you cook something?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 20, 2024
Me:
my husband is STEALING my clothes
— JAYPRIDEMONTH (@JayJurden) June 20, 2024
some of which he bought
POLICE!!!
Rival Dads, Vacation Edition:
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 24, 2024
“I guarantee there’s no one on this road carrying more than I am,” my husband said proudly as we drove down the highway with a cargo box and kayak strapped to our roof, a bike and 2 electric scooters on the back, and 3 surfboards & a guitar inside.
My wife angrily hung up on me because I didn't know the inflation PSI of her car's tires off the top of my head, in case any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 21, 2024
wife switches to officer-involved passive voice when she's made a mistake pic.twitter.com/5SlI43pAxj
— Evan Hill (@evanhill) June 18, 2024
I came home from grocery shopping & was immediately met with my husband who said he’d put everything away. Great!
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 20, 2024
Then I watched him put onions in the fruit bowl like he hasn’t lived here for the last 24 years.
me: I wish weekends were longer
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 23, 2024
in-laws: *tell us they're coming for a weekend then book a 6-day trip*
me: not like that
Husband: Want to go for a run?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 18, 2024
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we can’t watch until the kids go to bed, but by the time they go to bed we’re too tired to watch them.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 18, 2024
I asked my husband why he bought like 300 cans of Diet Dr. Pepper during his recent trip to Costco considering that neither of us drinks (or even likes) Diet Dr. Pepper and he just said, so defeated, "I don't know. I was really overwhelmed and I don't even remember doing that."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 23, 2024