Redefining respect

- Respect is one of the most important but least understood elements of culturally sensitive interactions. Many well-meaning people unintentionally disrespect their conversation partner because they don't understand how to demonstrate respect. In the book "Crucial Conversations," the authors say that, "Respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it is all that people can think about." The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose. It's now about defending dignity. When you feel disrespected in a conversation, you feel unappreciated, unseen, and unheard. So how do you show respect in these conversations? By listening. Most negotiation and communication experts talk about the virtues of listening, but I believe that listening on its own is never enough. People always say that they want to be heard, but that's not the full truth. So imagine this. Imagine you're talking to someone, and they're on their phone the whole time, never acknowledging you. You'd probably accuse that person of not listening to you. But what if they repeat back what you said to them verbatim, proving that they were, in fact, listening? Would you feel satisfied? Probably not. But why? They were clearly listening. You were clearly heard. The reason is that although they listened to you, they didn't validate you, which means that they didn't take the time to show that they cared about you or what you were saying, nor did they show that they found validity in what you were saying or feeling. Although the listener clearly listened to what you said, their body language and their verbal response failed to show that they cared. You don't have to agree with everything that's being said. You can validate by simply demonstrating that you understand how they reached their conclusion based on their perspective. Listening is something that most people struggle with. It's still tough for me, especially when I feel emotional. But listening is a skill that we can improve with time and practice. So try playing this listening game. Give yourself a point if you can get the following to happen in your conversations over the next week. One, get your conversation partner to say, "That's a great question." Two, get your conversation partner to say, "That's right," "Exactly," or, "You got it," after you summarize what they said. Do it again next week, and then compare your points to see if you improved. Remember, showing respect to your conversation partner is essential, especially in culturally sensitive conversations. And by simply honing your listening skills, you'll be able to connect and communicate with your colleagues on a much higher level.