Why do people say and do the wrong things?

- There are at least four reasons that I see as to why people say the wrong thing and sometimes it's just basic discomfort, especially with difference. The other thing is that we have like a cultural lens or way of seeing the world and we don't even notice it and so we're saying things from our weirdly unique way of seeing the world and it's offensive and we don't know it is because it's just a cultural lens that through which we're speaking and we don't notice other people's lenses so we have blind spots. The third thing that I notice is unconscious bias, I mean we're good people and we still have unconscious bias and that shows up in what we say. Then the fourth thing is really this concept of privilege which is that we may be in a position where we're not noticing how difficult something is for another person because we don't have that difficulty given the position we have in society or in a work place. So for instance, I was talking to a man who came up to me after a speech and he said, oh my God Ms. Diversity Lady, I'm so glad you're here, I've got to talk to you about something. He said I am working with a woman and she's pregnant and I haven't said anything and I said what do you mean you haven't said anything, he goes I haven't said anything about the fact that she's pregnant. I said well, how pregnant is she and he goes she's really pregnant and I said why haven't you said anything. He goes, well what if I say the wrong thing. You know I kind of looked at him 'cause I felt so bad from him, I said I think you already have because what is it when you say nothing about something for which there should be something said, right. So I think what happens is people worry about saying the wrong thing and they think I'll just say nothing. Right, so that's one strategy of dealing with difference is just say nothing, but that doesn't work because you're sending a message by not saying anything in some cases. The other thing that I think is that people will just tiptoe around a subject so they kind of say something but the thing they say is sort of so milk toasty or you're just constantly trying to do and say the right thing so people sort of see it as in-authentic. Then the third way that people deal with difference and not knowing what to say is to be mad or to be aggressive in some way. I think we've got to find other ways to acknowledge the discomfort and the lack of awareness and then still move through it. I think that's sort of the problem is that people think that saying nothing is going to get them through and I think we're getting to a place where we've got to know what to say. I think there are several reasons why we kind of keep to this ineffective way of dealing with difference which is one, we just haven't had the exposure often so I think the more you start working with people of difference, then you start sort of having a more ease in that category but if you're living a life where you pretty much are not having relationships with people who are significantly different from you in some way, you're always going to feel awkward about it. Here's the thing, you're always going to be uncomfortable before you're comfortable around difference. You can't kind of skip over and like oh I'm so comfortable now around the fact that you're gay or around the fact that you have a disability or that and I don't. You know there are like all these things that we think we're going to somehow magically be comfortable with. No, you actually have to have the interaction. I think also, we got taught through, especially in the U.S. that the way you deal with difference is to just pretend you don't see it. So we're all just going to be color blind, right, and I think in some ways that might have been a useful thing initially because when we used to notice differences, sometimes we did really bad things like we didn't hire people or we didn't promote people or you know we didn't associate with them. So there was sort of a need at early on to say okay, let us not pay attention to difference but really what we were trying to say is let us not pay attention to difference in a way that will make it more difficult for that person who is different. When I say different, I mean we're all different but in certain environments there is more diversity or less diversity around a lot of different identities. So if you're an underrepresented person or maybe you're from a group that was historically marginalized or excluded, right, you are having maybe a different experience in that interview or in that workplace and the fact that people don't want to pay attention to it or address it means that they can never truly be inclusive of you and bring your best and create sort of a sense of worth and contribution for you. As I said, all of us are responsible for developing that kind of environment which means all of us have to be willing to move out of avoidance and move forward into understanding how to talk with each other across difference.